The thoughts that mostly cross our minds at the moment of the break up are; maybe it was all my fault, maybe I could have done things different, I wasted my time for nothing, why me? I could go on and on, but the question we almost never ask ourselves, and is in fact the most important to think about it is What did I learn from this relationship? Regardless if you were with this person 6 months or 6 years, the truth is that there is a lesson behind every break up. Sometimes we have to have our heart broken to let the pain out and let the light in, and come face to face with our true self. I want you to always remember this, there are three reasons why people come to your life, for a season, a reason and a lifetime. Therefore, if this person you love walks away from your life is not because you are not worth it, is because that person was only meant to be in your life to teach you a lesson, and help you grow towards the person you are truly meant to be.
Unfortunately, many of us deal with break ups that only lead to more unnecessary pain without even knowing it. For example:
1. We immediately try to find a replacement so we don’t feel lonely, using him or her as a pacifier of the pain we feel from our recent loss.
2. We go out every night, or take a vacation so we can get distracted and avoid dealing with the negative emotions that arise from the break up.
3. We hide from the world because we let the temporary negatives emotions of depression, loneliness or loss of self sense control our life, and we go into the victim stage.
4. We complain non stop about what the person did wrong in the relationship, so our ego believes is not our fault and we can feel better.
One thing that the actions above have in common is that they are all temporary fixes, they may help you for a little while, but they won’t help you heal your heart properly. In today’s society we are constantly living a life of instant gratification, where we look to find fulfillment from the externalities of the world. Then, when we don’t get what we desire or need right away we begin to feel anxious. Although not all instant gratification is bad, it’s important to balance our desires with a realistic sense of timing and patience. There is an analogy that says, when you swim in the ocean and encounter a big wave, the best to way to face it is by going deeper. This help us understand that no matter the challenge we may be facing today, like dealing with a break up, is a matter of really taking ownership of the situation and to listen to that deeper voice within us that has all the answers that we are looking for to help us move forward.
When dealing with a break up, we should also focus on the following actions:
1. Find time to work on your personal growth, in creating new daily habits that will help you make positive changes in your life. We often believe that there is no room for growth, that we are who we are and there is nothing to be done. We are so comfortable with our situation that we don’t need the feel to make changes.
2. Surround yourself with positive people, who help you grow as a human being and are there to uplift you.
3. Ask yourself, what am I really passionate about? Maybe is a project that you have always wanted to work on, but you didn’t have time for it. This is your opportunity to focus on yourself.
4. Be open to meeting new people (not with the purpose of dating), but to really open your mind in knowing and learning from other people’s journey in life.
The American Psychological Association conducted a research that found that those who focused on writing on the positive aspects of their-break up (factors leading up to the break-up, the actual break-up, and the time right after the break-up) for 15-30 minutes a day for three consecutive days, they reported experiencing more positive emotions regarding their relationship's end and did not experience an increase in negative emotions. The increased positive emotions included feelings of such as: comfort, confidence, empowerment, energy, happiness, optimismism, relief, satisfaction, thankfulness, and wisdom. This indeed support the idea that regardless of the pain we are going through, when we emerge our mind into the sea of positive waves, we will find ourselves free from the trap and illusion of the past that is not longer part of your present.
Here is the list of some of the lessons I learned:
Never let someone be such a priority in your life when all you are to them is an option
Even at your best, you'll never be right for the wrong person but even at your worst, the right person will remind you of your worth.
You can miss something but don’t want it back
You lost someone who didn’t love you, but they lost someone who truly loved them.
No one wants to have their heart broken, but sometimes your heart has to break to let the pain out and let the light in
Not to stress the could haves, because if it should have, it would have.
A truly broken relationship is like a broken piece of glass sometimes is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to put the pieces together